i wish our brains were like sd cards. i wish they had folders and files and everything was organized for easy access.

you see, when everything is organized like a folder on a computer, you get to go through all of them, open them, read them, edit them, create new ones, and all of those amazing control things.

but, our brain, works in- i don't even know- i don't get to decide which memories i can access. i don't get to decide when i can access something.

somewhere along my life, some fucked up trauma got to me, and my brain ends up deciding it's easier to dump those files in a corner and never access them ever again just to spare you the emotion turmoil.

i wish it weren't that way. i wish i could actually remember my childhood. i wish i could explain that i have no recollection of anything before my 6th grade in school.

the worst part is, i wish i could tell people the pain of forgetting your entire childhood. but i can't. because i don't even remember what i'm supposed to be hiding from. i don't remember what the pain is even supposed to be. all i know is that there's this empty void and i can't not notice it everytime someone talks about their childhood.

i was having a conversation with a friend the other day about how i can visualize things very easily in my head, how i can create 3d imaginations in my head with vibrant colors. to be more accurate, how i can think / imagine that i am seeing things. and how every word i read isn't just an action with my eyes, but that there's an inner voice that speaks the word out to my own self, and sometimes also changes voice to sound like someone else if im referring.

but what use of such imaginative abilities, when- i don't even know what to imagine- :/

it's like, i know there's something grave enough that my brain decided to just shut it off, and i'm sad about it, but like, idek what i'm sad about- like- idk+ if that made any sense. but to me, it did. if you don't understand it, i'm glad you don't.

goodnight.

weird gap in my mind